It has been awhile since I last posted anything. Life has been busy with it’s ups and downs. Spring is upon us, though for the last week it has been gray and raining off and on. Even has a splash of snowfall one early morning. So glad that it did not stay.

Our tress are gone on the left side of house. Our neighbors had them removed so that they can put up a fence. It is a good thing, as the trees were sick, though it did hurt to see them cut down.

I am trying to cut down on my smoking, as I was up to two packs or more a day. Has been rough, but am sticking to it. Thought about quitting, but I love smoking; so am gonna change how much I smoke. Plus I want to start walking, try to get some more exercise in my life. Want to also get a jump rope and hula hoop. lol I know, like a second childhood. But they are wonderful for exercise. My husband even bought me the shake weight. =)

Need to start writing again too. Been keeping way too much counsel in my head. Which is never good. But sometimes the writing of the same kind of issue over and over again; well it does not always help. Plus I feel such a broken record! But if I don’t maintain some kind of release, I may end up driving myself deeper into depression. And I don’t want to be there. It leads to suspicions, crying, headaches (which one is forming right now), and other things. And with all that my self is going through, I really just don’t want anything else added.

I worked things out with Dustin (my oldest) and am hoping that it stays kinda balanced. Family is a big thing for me, but they so often disappoint you in ways that just seem plain dumb. I need to let go. I love my children too deeply and I need t let them go. They need to fall and not have me there. I am always there, now it is time to stop. Or at least not so much. For stopping; well I don’t think I am capable of that. I take my mommyness seriously and I believe in family being clan like. Even letting someone new in can be difficult.

Speaking of new, my youngest son is now kinda in the family way. his girlfriend has a 9 moth old daughter. And she is adorable! My heart worries for him, but this is his path to take. I pray that nothing bad comes from it. He is still a kid to me, but he is so responsible. And he has taken to the package, like a fish to water. And he is so happy. That is something that has been missing for way to long. So that is a perk I want to keep. He is my baby, the last; so it is harder for me to see him hurt and to struggle through issues of love.

I woke up this morning with kinda a curiousness. My husband can not seem to sleep if I am still in the bed. The minute I am out, he is out like a light. He has been acting very odd these last few days. And it worries me. I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to punish me for the wrong I did. Though in all honesty, I did not do more damage then what has been delivered unto me by him. Though he will refuse this as true. Is funny, yet sad to watch how my family lies and twist things to make me the more naughty of all. They have this image in their heads that they do very little wrong and could never hurt me; as I have them. One of the crazy that I deal with daily. So I don’t talk to him about it. What is the use of arguing with a wall. If my family wants to believe the it, well I just let em.

Anyhow, he will most likely read this and argue/discuss how I am imaging it and all is fine. Blah, blah, blah!!! To them all, I am the crazy one who does the damage. So, whatever. I will just wait for it to fall down. For I feel it is heading that way.

Tom has trouble handling the fact that I am always walked on, used by my kids. In one fashion or another. The demands are different, but they are there. And YES I bitch about them, yet am a masochist for letting them always treat me as they do. But as their mother, what can I do.

So with all the stress I allow dumped on me, my husband gets angry and has a hard time dealing with it. Then there is the non sex issue. My body is going through something, so sex is just not high on my list. With the chest pains, the pain that runs along the left side of my body, the headaches and the wanting to just sleep all the time. Well I am a mess to say the least.

So I am thinking, he has had enough and may be wanting out of our marriage. At least that is how he has been acting of late. Is with him acting odd, well it is not helping everything I am going through. I am alone with all this, and am tired of it too.

I had a chance, one moment; but I refused. Today I am asking myself why?

Woke up feeling a little lost. I am finding that I am in a place where I don’t know what I am suppose to be doing and am left with all these emotions flowing through me. My mind is always full of things I want to say to others, but never do. For they never hear them. So I am left with so many empty conversations in my head. I am very tired of this. My time is empty and unfulfilling. Even when I am doing something. Though it seems I am mostly doing for others. The other day was good though. I sat and watched some horror movies, it was fun. But then it is back to what I am feeling now.

I suppose it is just due to my home becoming an empty nest and having all this time on my hands. Can’t have a job, due to having to be on hand to babysit when my daughter needs me. So I am at a crossroads of sorts.

I have gotten back into playing my Sims 2, not like I use to; but at times when i can’t find anything to fill my time. Sometimes even play WOW, but usually wait till hubby is up to play it with him.

Today is a babysitting day. Got both my grand kids, due to school not being open today. It is only for 4 hours though. Am hoping it is a fast 4 hours. The kids get a little rambunctious when here to long. I really need to find a way to invest into a swingset for them. But first need to get the yard cleaned up and sprayed. We have way too many spiders out in our backyard. So plan to spray the yard and get rid of them.

I was hoping to finally be able to get my paints and easel and start painting. But we kinda hit a tight spot, so am gonna have to wait longer. Is just life. Though to be honest, it does hurt a bit. Been waiting to get everything and start for so long. I don’t even know if I will be any good, but I have had such a yearning to paint for a very long time.

Things with my hubby have been good. We spend time together doing whatever we decide on. A lot of it is playing WOW, since we are tight on money Fargo is kinda out. Plus the best time to go to Fargo is on weekends; then we can visit with our friends. But hubby works weekends, so he has to make special arrangements to get that time off. Can not wait till his vacation comes. Have no clue what we are gonna do, but will be nice to just have him here 24/7. Plus the topper of that, he can sleep with me. =-)

Anyhow, guess I should go for now. Kids will be here soon. Got everything ready for them, cartoons are on, toys are ready and will fix breakfast for them in an hour.

Another day of me doing for others. *sigh* Keep wondering when it will be my life 24/7 and not someone’s else?????

Once again my life has been forefitted to allow my daughter to manage hers. Though she is no where close to managing hers. Her life is a mess!! And I am SO very tired of living for her and helping her stay on her feet. I can not be a grandma, am too busy being a daycare provider.

I HATE THIS!!!! I want my own life!!! For 30 something years I have been responsible for taking care of someone. I am tired of it! When is it gonna be my turn????

She is married to a deadbeat of a husband. He does not work and refuses to take care of his own children! He does what he wants, comes and gos as he pleases and get a free ride. She can not kick him out or anything. Law here says he has the right to live in HER apartment. His name is not even on the lease. But because she let him stay there for over a month, he can now stay forever.

She and the kids may have to move back in here with us. Housing is no longer available here. But there is no way in hell that ass is moving in!! We are done with him!!

So in between taking care of my grand kids and trying to spend time with my hubby; I now have to go through every boxed, stored crate and closet; just so she and the kids have a place. I also have to give up my room, again; so she has a big enough space for her daughter and her and the new baby. Her oldest son will have his own space.

When does this get better? Cause right now, sleeping and never waking is sounding like paradise!

Everything is going pretty good here. Me and hubby are doing wonderful!! He has been a big help when I need him to be. Which has been so perfect!

On Friday morning, while I was at work a business across from the hotel went up in flames, then exploded. The smoke from it went straight into the hotel, filled it completely. We all ended up having to go home till it cleared. I was cleaning rooms and had already been in the smoke filled halls for about an hour. Which ended with me having a cough and tasting the smoke for a day. I called hubby to come down and help out. Which ended with hi running all over the place. lol After about two hours, I went back to finish my rooms. That was my excitement for the day. lol

My daughter and her hubby have been in their own place for about two weeks, maybe a little more. Anyhow, they have started viciously fighting again. She called me after 2am and I ended up having to listen to the shit for about 30 minutes. Then she kept calling. I did not get much sleep last night. On top of that, my grandson, her son was here for a stay over. It is all just bullshit. Neither of them are acting like adults! And I am not going to do this again. I have already been dragged into this for four years. If they can not get it together and start acting responsible, then they should just call it quits and divorce. I am not in favor of divorce, but I know that sometimes it is for the best. And in this case it is. They just can not let love live in their life full time and it is very sad. I know that couples argue, but they take it to a level that is not healthy or good for them.

I am looking forward to this weekend. Hubby and I are going to Fargo and are gonna visit friends. Been planning this since the beginning of the month. After last night, I need the escape. lol
But am looking forward to just seeing our friends!!

Yesterday also had us finally moving the office out of the bedroom. No longer am I a prisoner in there. It is so nice to have room to move around and such light flowing in from the windows. It is bright and spacious. Now I can sit at my computer when I wish and not feel locked in. Now I just need to reorganize the bedroom. Though I think I may paint it first. It is still the awful blue with green hand prints from when my daughter was a teen. lmao Needs a fresh more adult look. lol I have already picked out a bed set and found a canopy bed that I want. Bed set has matching curtains too. lol

So many plans for the house. Can not wait to get started. And I know, one room at a time. lol

We worked everything out. My hubby ended up showing up down at my work yesterday and we talked about the issues I was having and my misunderstanding what he had meant. I am so glad that we did, for I do not like being in the place I was. it is not good.

Today was another good day. We actually got on WOW and did some bg’s and dungeons. Was fun, well except for the constant dying. LMAO

Tomorrow is both of our days off and of course Valentines day. Not sure what we are gonna do, not worried over it either. We can stay home and just play WOW and it would be wonderful to me. =)

Well nothing else much going on. Things are good and hope they will stay that way.

I am so pissed right now!! I would very so much like to take a skillet to my husbands head at this moment! Wake his ass and drag him to work with me. Let him see how much fun I am having working, while in pain!! So that we have extra money for a vacation and for our wedding!! I would rather at this time, just take some medicine and lay down and try to forget how much my body hurts. But nope, am due at work at noon.

I mean, how dare he keep throwing these accusations about and not even saying what they are! Or here is another “he knows everyone I talked to”. What the hell?? I don’t have that many people in my life, so who the fuck else did I talk to? Give me a fucking break! This shit is getting way bigger then it is! And he is being the king of asses for wallowing through it and whatever his secret friends are telling him!!

To hell with him and everyone else! At this moment I am no longer sure if I want to be with him! If this is the game he wants to play, then he will lose! For I will end our marriage faster then he can blink!!!!

There is gonna be no more of this playing games shit! Either get on the wagon or get the fuck out!!

Damn my head hurts. Fucking ass, pisses me off this bad and causing me a headache before I have to work!

In the last chapter of my life, I had made a very huge mistake. One that almost cost me my marriage and the man I truly love. In 17 years of marriage, I had never done anything to jepordise my marriage or to actually cause such heartache to my love. But at the end of the 17th year, I did. Now it is like a black hole that will not close. I understand he is still hurt and that he has moments of despair. But he also seems to think there is more to it, then there actually was. I don’t know where he is getting his information from or who is filling his head with nonsense. But I have told him everything there is to tell.

And my moments of worry that he is just gonna walk out on me for my deed, well that is just due to the fact that I did this awful thing. It is not due to there being anything more. For there is NO more!

I am tired of living in this chapter and want to close it. But for some reason he wont let me. And to be honest, I can not live with it any longer. If he can’t let it close, then there is no true way for us to move forward.

Just to ease minds, I did not sleep with anyone, did not meet anyone and did not love anyone! What the hell else am I being accused of???

I could most likely have done those three things, but I DID NOT! And am now proud that it never got there. I am very happy with the secret being out and happily accept the punishment. What ever that may be.

But I WILL NOT TOLERATE BEING PLAYED!!! I understand that the trust has to be rebuilt, but I don’t understand the constant accusations that are hinted at and that I have never done! If you don’t want to believe me, then we should just walk away from one another. That is how I see and feel.

I believe in second chances. I just wonder if others do?

I have been on cloud nine these past weeks and now.. Well here we go again with the accusations. This is where the feeling of it all not going to happen. It is like you are happy one minute, but the next; someone takes it away. It is like being punished with “here is a gift, but you can only have it when I feel you deserve it”. That is not love to me. That is being punished with hurt.

Thing is, my husband has hurt me many times and I forgave him 99%. The last 1% was a little hard to let go of. And yes it was to the same degree I hurt him. But I stayed and kept our family and marriage together. Now I wonder if maybe I should have just given up? For he seems to want to keep punishing me with the happy then take it away game. I am confused! And am hurt by all this.

Now I have a headache! And I have to go to work in a few. =( I feel like just giving up. I got the promise of a wedding and now…. I feel that once again he is gonna take that promise from me.

Today is mine and my hubby’s 18th anniversary. Though it seems like we have been together forever. I am more in love with him, then I was five years ago. It seems everyday I fall more and more in love with him! I could not imagine my life without him. Though it almost happened, I am so beyond happy that it didn’t.

My birthday was Tuesday and it was pure magic! Not only has my hubby spoiled me, but he also surprised me with a dream to come true. He proposed to me. My ring is a large ruby with smaller ones on each side; with tiny diamonds around the smaller rubies. It is the most beautiful ring I could ever dream of recieving. And I said YES. lol

I have been getting very spoiled of late and am enjoying it so very much. I have never felt so much a queen as I do right now. For so long, I was put on the back burner for our children came first. But now, now it is my turn. Never thought it would come, am very happy it has. =)

Our daughter and her family also moved out this week. Which made everything a million times better. We ((hubby and I) now sit enjoy movies in the livingroom and cuddle on the couch.

Everything is going so wonderful, that I have a fear in the back of my head of it all falling apart. I know, stupid. But everything is so new right now and going so wonderful, that I can’t help but have the fear. I just ignore it most of the time, sometimes though it just pops up and rears it’s worry.

Anyhow, that is all that is going on right now. Am gonna jet….

XOXO

So today has been a merry go round day. Spinning and trying to find the path off that would lead to a productive outcome. It seems that we found one that did and fingers crossed; that by next weekend; my daughter and her family will be in their own place. I told her that after they were moved fully in, I would like a whole month of not seeing them. As they have lived with us since October. Then after that month, I would like to start having my grand kids over, as grand kids and not a daycare provider.

Now to push my oldest son to find his own place and not move back in with us. I so want my home empty of the older kids. I have one year left with my youngest, but that is expected since he is still a teen.

I imagine the quiet will take some getting used to at first, but the outcome of it being just us three and our cats; it is well worth it. I can’t remember the last time my home was my own and not being held hostage by my kids. I am looking forward to cleaning and rearranging all the rooms. To not being held a prisoner in my bedroom, being able to sit in the living room and enjoy it. Damn, can next week get here any faster. lol

I can not wait for the day it is just me and my hubby. Just us living here alone and being able to do what we wish.